Little by Little..

Life is returning to normal these days, little by little. The days have been slipping by faster and faster. The weather is warming up & I have to say it is a great mood lifter for me! In church on Sunday something really struck me. It seems there is always something that I need to hear so much. It was the shortest verse in the bible. It was when Jesus went to his friend Martha only to find Lazarus had died, and his family was in mourning. Upon seeing them "Jesus wept" (John 11.35). He didn't weep because Lazarus was dead (after all he was about to resurrect him). Instead Jesus wept with his disciples, he wept for their pain & their suffering. I know that during all of this, he wept with us. He was by our side. Just as Jesus could have told Martha he was about to resurrect Lazarus, he could show us the answers to our questions. But, it's all part of a plan that is so much bigger than us. As much as I would love to know all the answers & outcomes right now, I know that He has a plan for us, our babies & our family.

Never ending...

I spent the last 5 years in a stage I like to think of as "ignorance is bliss". I spent this time thinking the worst & most painful part of adoption was the time between placement & the day you finalize. The day you finalize all the pain ends & it's happily ever after! The last month has been a giant slap in the face. It has been the hardest time in this whole process. It has been full of tears, deep gut wrenching pain & sleepless nights. I can't even put into words what we have been through. I'll start at the beginning. A few months ago we found out one of our bio moms was expecting again. I don't think we were prepared for the roller coaster we got on. Initially we swore off taking the baby. We weren't ready & we didn't want to travel down that road. We had to be prepared for what we would say & as the day neared, we knew deep down we wouldn't be able to say no. We started to prepare ourselves mentally that we may have a new baby soon! Of course we know how this works, but you can't prepare your heart & guard it at the same time. I believe you go into this with your WHOLE heart, or you don't do it. We found out she went into labor & delivered. We were shocked when we found out she was allowed to take the baby home. After everything she had done in the past she was allowed to take that innocent baby home. The long term ramifications of this situation aren't lost on us. We can't go back & foster or adopt right now, because what if that baby does come into custody in 4 months, 10 month....2 years?! Would we then send away our foster or adoptive placement to foster a sibling? We surely couldn't keep both. Before we could even come to terms with all of that, we had salt rubbed in the wound. We found out our OTHER bio mom has a one year old child that was taken by the state & we were never called. I was instantly sick. That baby was legally adopted in September, it was too late. To this day I haven't been able to get an answer as to why we weren't called, contacted, notified.... anything. I can't even describe what it feels like to have a sibling taken from my children. It's very hard to mourn a child that isn't yours but so much a part of you & your children. Every bit of this is our kid's legacy & will be the truth of their future. We don't know what to do but continue with our lives. Day by day. Raise our kids & pray for peace everyday that there's a purpose... a plan. I know I've said it many times that God has never left my blind faith unrewarded & I know now isn't going to be different. But I also know God is OK with my pain, my anger, my confusion & my mourning. For now we're past the anger & the raw hurt. Our life moves on, even with little pieces of our babies scattered all over. I have to accept I can't put those pieces together. The pain of adoption isn't ONE sided, it isn't reserved for bio families, it's all around. It's everlasting.